Personal Story by Barbara Wishingrad
In-Arms Parenting
My interest in “in-arms” parenting started long before I had ever heard the phrase. One day while still in college, I walked into a phone booth where someone had left a brochure about front pack carriers- this was my first introduction to the idea of babywearing. The concept of it resonated so deeply with me that I tucked that brochure in amongst my important papers, even though it would be years before I actually had children.
And then it came to pass, that I became involved in caring for women, babies and families- before, during and after birth. I became a childbirth educator and homebirth midwife, I made herbal preparations for all stages of the childbearing years, and I specialized in massage for pregnant women. I was initiated into the concept of in-arms parenting by reading Jean Liedloff’s classic book, The Continuum Concept.
The theory behind in-arms parenting is that, if the child feels optimally secure in the earliest years of life, they will not need to spend the rest of their years making up for or searching for lost love and confidence. Having established a heart-felt trust in the world and intimate relations, they are able to pursue deeper personal insights and visions. It is a way to reconnect with the natural evolution of our species and to ensure the well-being of babies, their families and their caregivers.
Having struggled for many years to resolve early childhood trauma, I dreamed of someday practicing in-arms parenting /babywearing/attachment parenting. I had heard many positive discourses on the practice of keeping the baby in close physical contact with the mom, but when it came down to it, I hadn’t known anyone in the US who carried their child quite as constantly and closely as Liedloff’s experience with indigenous people found to be best.
And then, when I was 28, I sold almost all of my possessions and boarded a train for Mexico and a new life — I sat beside an old friend and new love, the man I had chosen to father my children, and we carried with us the dreams of hope and determination to do right that guides many of us into parenthood — the ultimate act of faith in the future of humankind.
Every time I got on a bus to go anywhere, women with babies tied on their chest or back surrounded me. They wore them in a wrap called a rebozo. They climbed on, sat down or remained standing, stuffed bags into overhead racks, talked to their neighbors or older children and climbed off. The babies nursed, slept, looked around, and moved with their mothers. Babies were everywhere, always present. They were wrapped in all kinds of fabrics, with varying colors and wrapping styles. People also greeted the babies as if they were real people. I drank in the rebozo culture.
When I was pregnant with my first child we traveled to Guatemala. The rebozo colors were brighter there and the fabrics thicker. In the cold early mornings, babies’ heads were covered with the handkerchiefs so they could breathe in the warm air exhaled from their own lungs. The Guatemalan women walked, chatted with others, waved their arms in excitement as they spoke; and their babies were always along for the ride, taking in the world from the safety of their mother’s body. Women lugged heavy bundles on and off buses. They walked in plastic shoes with slight heels, or no shoes at all, but always laughing. Their brown-eyed babies were always there, sometimes on their mother’s breast, or worn on their side or back. While women shopped or sold goods at the market, the babies were there. They wore hats in the hot sun or were tucked deep inside their carrying shawls while they slept. Only seldom did I observe a baby worn like that to fuss.
When our family practiced babywearing, the benefits became immediately obvious, included a sense of close connection with our baby and with each other. We weren’t involved with buying baby equipment. Nor did we struggle to juggle our little one in one arm while trying to do something with the other arm. And we didn’t focus our attention on the baby to the exclusion of each other. Getting around, doing errands, socializing was easier, and our baby developed a close bond with both of us. I wore my babies for hours on end, longer than anyone else I had ever known. If they were fussy, they calmed and quieted down immediately when held in-arms. I also found that breastfeeding “on-demand” – when they wanted – worked wonders. We co-slept with both our children, which made nighttime nursing a quick and simple answer to a hungry infant or toddler.
Around the time my eldest reached nine months, I felt burned out and confused and began to question the principles on which I’d based my short time mothering. When I really opened my eyes to the village culture around me, I couldn’t believe what I saw. I was trying to live an ideal that didn’t exist, “total mothering”, in which a mother and baby are an isolated unit.
I had seen the indigenous babies in rebozos all day, but not always on the mother. First a little cousin might be wearing the baby, while the mom tended the fire, or did handiwork. Then a young auntie was holding the baby, bringing him to mom when he wanted to nurse, after which the mother secured the little one on his auntie’s back. The tradition of frequent nursing was the norm; but, “total mothering”? I didn’t see it. The baby was part of the greater family and community, and like all members, moved in all circles of activity. Yes, babies had close and constant human contact, but not exclusively with their mothers. Babies were raised in a culture of “alloparents”, an important reason why traditional in-arms parenting works so well.
I realized then that my misinterpretation of the mother-child relationship in a village culture could only have been made by a western woman, someone raised in a society where, for more than a century, the norm was mothers and their small children living in an isolated nuclear home.
Ours is not a tribal or village society; and we cannot recreate that situation, except in rare instances in a commune or small, tightly knit community. However, we can create as much support as possible in which to raise our children – be that by extended family, neighbors, friends, meeting regularly with other parents from our childbirth class, in La Leche League groups and mother-baby support groups, with the help of paid caregivers, or a combination of the above. These “allo-parents” – other adults and children besides the parents who care about and for the child – can make hands-free constant contact with a baby an easier do-able path. The benefits are great and they are long term.
Goals & Benefits of In-Arms Parenting
- A continuous daily relationship with one primary caregiver (usually, but not always, the mother) results in the most natural and intelligent way to nurture a baby or young toddler. Extended family members/allo-parents also provide a constant and assuring presence.
- A baby held in-arms, or worn in a shawl or soft carrier, moves as a unit with the parent. The adult’s hands are free to care for older children and perform other tasks. Baby can calmly indicate when to be put down instead of crying to be picked up.
- Breastfeeding-on-demand, with child-led weaning (rather than the mother following the instructions of a medical professional or relative as to when to wean), leads to greater self-regulation of the child’s emotions and greater freedom and lack of anxiety in their making food choices and eating as they grow.
- A baby kept physically close to a parent is more likely to have its cries responded to quickly. Babies whose cries are responded to promptly are less likely to feel abandoned, their trust betrayed, which so often happens when babies are not responded to promptly or are put in a separate room and left to “cry-it-out”.
- When children are accustomed to being comforted by people, not things, family life tends to remain simple. Households are easier to keep clean and tidy when they are not cluttered by excessive and costly consumer baby items. All of this makes it easier on parents; and low levels of parental stress is good for them as well as for their children. Parenting can be more pleasurable, and that definitely helps children thrive.
When a parent feels good about spending time with their baby, listening to and observing what their baby is trying to communicate, they feel more confident. It is important to understand that our babies are always trying to communicate their feelings and desires to us; but we may not be listening or spending enough time with them to “read” their signals. Increased language skills, as well as self-calming and ease in their body results from baby-wearing. - Children integrated into the daily life of family and community have a tremendous educational advantage. Babies in-arms are mostly in what is termed a “quiet alert” state of consciousness, calmly observing their surroundings from a secure perch. Toddlers in-arms are also learning lessons that are relevant and essential to their well-being.
- When parents are feeling less stressed and less worried about their baby’s development, they and their babies are getting their needs met by unhurried communication, eye contact, and humane interactions. The respect shown to babies and small children by parents will reflect back on them in later years.
In-arms care of babies and baby-wearing generally leads to parents feeling more confident in how they approach the issue of their child’s sleep. They are more likely to choose intimate sleeping arrangements – whether in their bed or alongside their bed or, as the child gets older, with the child having both a bed in their room and a room of their own and being able to choose where they sleep.
Sleeping with or alongside a baby requires parents to be more creative in their sex life but having babies and young ones who don’t fight going to sleep is rewarding in itself. And, flexible sleeping arrangements can reduce a sense of isolation and loneliness, as it provides reassurance in the night. In most traditional cultures, family members sleep in the same room or in the same bed. When all family members, parents as well as babies, have their needs met – for safety, warmth, nourishment, attention, play, communication, and importantly, touch – during the daytime, sleeping arrangements that meet everyone’s desires are easier to find.
It is exciting to see that the in-arms parenting /babywearing/” attachment parenting” movements in western culture have reached the stage where there are elders, like myself, who have lived and worked in the field, and practiced these things as their children have grown. We are now available to listen to new parents, to remind us all of the importance of paying attention to our intuition – that small voice inside each of us – or gut feelings that tell us when we are true to our best self or off course. There are many of us today in our elder years, who still carry a vision of a world where parenting is not only easier but more pleasurable and no parent is left to feel alone caring for an infant, baby or toddler. We have reaped the benefits of our own experiences and are here to share them with you. Just look for us!
Notes regarding the author: Barbara Wishingrad has been a passionate advocate for babywearing for over 35 years. She founded the Rebozo Way Project, which later became Nurturing Across Cultures (https://nurturingacrosscultures.org ), and wrote many articles, produced a video, led workshops, gave lectures, took photographs of traditional babywearers at a time there were not many images of in-arms parenting in the US, and modeled babywearing with her own children and a grandchild. She currently works in the field of sustainable water management and regenerative landscaping. https://sweetwatercollaborative.org